Here is proof that the universe hates you:
You go to a Coldplay show with your paramour thinking you will be safely anonymous in a darkened arena full of 50,000 people with similarly questionable music taste. Suddenly, like the eye of Sauron, the arena kiss-cam falls upon the two of you. Your canoodling mugs are now up there on the Jumbotron, illuminated and 10,000 times larger than life.
If you’re at the concert with your date-who-is-definitely-not-your-spouse and with whom you have a professional relationship that absolutely precludes getting handsy at a Coldplay show, and the spotlight hits you, what is the move?
Counterintuitively, the move is to kiss for the kiss cam, and maybe smile and wave. In short, do what you’re supposed to do in that situation, and, in so doing, be unremarkable so the camera moves on.
The problem is that in this situation the human instinct to cower, hide and radiate high-energy shame particles is so lizard-brain reflexive, you’d have to be the genetic cross of Ethan Hunt and Mr. Spock to suppress it in the moment.
In this very real and not-theoretical situation, two people conspicuously did not suppress the instinct to cower and radiate shame particles. Instead, when the kiss-cam found them, they acted as guilty as a couple on a tryst could possibly act:
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It is physically impossible to act any more busted than that. The LeBron James of acting busted1 could not act more busted.
Humans are social animals and naturally wired to recognize deep cringe. Coldplay singer Chris Martin and everyone else in the arena noticed this behavior. Within moments it was all over the Internet and the couple was promptly identified as the married CEO of software company Astronomer.io and his head of human resources who is definitively not his wife. It has since ascended into mainstream national media.2
This is a crisis! A personal crisis. A corporate crisis. And definitely a music taste crisis. Let’s take them in order.
Personal Crisis
He’s getting punched in the face by his wife, right? Possibly literally, likely in the legal sense. Lawyer up and book a hotel room. As for the HR chief, I am not sure of her marital status, so maybe that isn’t an issue. But going nationwide like this is going to haunt her for a while. The Internet is unkind to women at the best of times, and most definitely in these situations. There is already an attempt to memeify the couple in a way that suggests poor understanding of the broader context:
Solid work.
Corporate Crisis
If the CEO is having an affair with someone who doesn’t work at the company, questions of judgment aside, that’s mostly the CEO’s problem. If the CEO is having an affair with his direct report, that’s the company’s problem. These two scenarios require different solutions. I’m a corporate PR guy, not a publicist, so I’ll focus on the company’s problems.
Most companies consider relationships within a chain of command an ethics violation for good reason. No one will think you’re going to be an impartial manager of someone you’re in a sexual relationship with. On what basis are you making promotion decisions? Compensation decisions? Any decisions? I worked at a company where the CEO was turfed out for a relationship with a subordinate that happened before he was CEO, but never disclosed.
And the other party is the HR manager! That’s very bad! Employee behavior and ethics is literally her turf! She’s supposed to know better. What if you’re an employee who wants to make a complaint about the CEO to the HR department? Will you get a fair hearing? What if you don’t like Coldplay?
So it’s bad judgment all around.
Slow down, you say. All we have at the moment is a brief video. It’s suggestive, but not a literal sex tape. We don’t know for sure that the CEO and HR manager are having a relationship. Maybe they were just in an embrace that, while it looked very intimate and inappropriate for colleagues in a direct reporting line, was in fact completely innocent. Maybe he slipped on spilled beer and found his hands around her waist. In slow motion. While smiling.
When I started drafting this, on Friday in Taiwan before a flight home, there was no statement from Astronomer yet. At the time, I wrote this:
The CEO is a board member, and I don’t know what the voting structure at Astronomer is, but if I were the PR advisor for the board I’d recommend they immediately place both executives on leave pending an investigation. It’s a prudent move you can make right away, and it buys some time for you to find the facts and consider longer-term decisions.
That was PR 101, not rocket science, so hold your applause. But it was validating to see that on mid-day Friday U.S. time (while I was in the air) Astronomer posted this statement on X:
“Astronomer is committed to the values and culture that have guided us since our founding. Our leaders are expected to set the standard in both conduct and accountability. The Board of Directors has initiated a formal investigation into this matter and we will have additional details to share very shortly. Alyssa Stoddard was not at the event and no other employees were in the video. Andy Byron has not put out any statement, reports saying otherwise are all incorrect.”
Alyssa Stoddard is another company executive who was mistakenly reported to be at the event, and there was a fake statement from the CEO, Andy Byron, circulating widely on the Internet on Thursday. Hence the two clarifications at the end.
A few hours later, the company posted a follow-up:
“Cofounder and Chief Product Officer Pete DeJoy is currently serving as interim CEO given Andy Byron has been placed on leave.”
Weirdly, neither of these is on their corporate newsroom, and it’s odd to me that they’re separated, even if only by a few hours. But Astronomer is privately held and customers are their main external stakeholder, so I guess they can do what they want on disclosure. Also, what are the “values and culture” that have guided them since their founding? If I were drafting this, I might list a couple of them rather than leaving it to the imagination of obscure PR bloggers.
Finally, there is no mention of the head of HR, a senior executive who reports to the CEO (whom, I remind you, evidence suggests she is in a relationship with). I am curious what was communicated internally, to Astronomer’s employees. She still appears on the company’s executive page, although the CEO does not. I am very surprised that she apparently hasn’t also been suspended and I think it’s a bad look.
Music Taste Crisis
Speaking of bad looks, when you go down, do you want to go down for Coldplay, the nonstick frying pan of pop music?
If you’re doing something sleazy and dangerous, wouldn’t you want to go down for a sleazier and more dangerous band? Peak career Prince, when half of his songs were straightforwardly about fucking and the other half were about Jesus? Early Guns’n’Roses, when they seemed like reptiles that had crawled from the sewers of Hollywood? Or whatever the current incarnation of this kind of sexualized danger is? Idk, man, I’m old. Maybe go down for a Cardi B show. I’d respect that!
If you’re going to a tryst gig, it shouldn’t be an arena show for a mid AOR act calibrated for wine moms looking for a non-threatening evening out. You should be in some smoky, subterranean dive watching an ancient bebop crew called something like, “Nasty-Sax Hawkins and the Heroin Spoons” and where they serve martinis that would delaminate battleship armor.
But Coldplay? Going to Coldplay compounds the error of judgment. You can build a 2x2 risk matrix to analyze this:
Now that I think about it, the fact that they were at a Coldplay concert opens up a few possible PR angles for all parties involved.
For the CEO:
“Yes, we were having an affair, but we were at a Coldplay show so obviously its sexless.”
For the HR executive:
“He’s a monster. He used his power to coerce me into Coldplay. I feel violated.”
For the Company:
“An affair with a subordinate we could forgive, but going to Coldplay is a clear violation of our employee code of conduct. He left us no choice.”
It’s Coldplay game theory! You just have to be the first one to play the card. Who will break first and seize the advantage?
Ultimately, my professional PR advice is this: If you’re going to have a tryst at a Coldplay show, you should use protection. By which I mean that you should both wear Groucho glasses so that you are protected if, against all odds, the kiss-cam finds you.
In fact, now that I think about it, if you’re going to go to Coldplay at all, wear a pair of Groucho glasses.3 Keep you shame secret and spare your loved ones the pain.
Rodney Dangerfield? Discuss!
The excellent 404 Media has written, with more sensitivity than I can muster, about the social media panopticon we’ve created. I recognize that I am contributing to the problem, my intellectual pretensions notwithstanding.
I have sassed the hell out of Coldplay in this post, but given that I wrote about going to go see a Lynyrd Skynyrd / ZZ Top double header not long ago, I realize I am on dangerously thin ice.